20

I will not seriously ask myself any questions. But how do I dig deeper into something that is with/in me at the moment? No one answer that, so as not to make it a question.

Calculators are for adding (?) numbers, matches are for lighting fires, little black books are for having phone numbers inside. Red light, blue light, green light. Things, objects are in their places inside my room here the way they were put there. I put them there without even knowing it, or without doing it on purpose at the time.

Now I look at these/those things and they sit/set there quiet, unassuming, unmoved, silent and content, almost peaceful and serene. They did not get there on their own. I don't remember the precise moment when I put them there. They are all there as objects and evidence of my existence. They are forms of beauty... If I want to be downtrodden and negative... I can't.

What I'm saying is I love my life, no matter how horrid or horrible or useless it might seem on the outside (to/for me). In my own pettiness I am happy to be alive. I am happy to be a living creature among the objects around me. We share our life together.

Invisible hospital staff

Before someone who is recently released from being institutionalized can be expected to make it in the real world, they first have to live for a short period of time in what is called the Trans House. The Trans House is a real house (an old Victorian house) with all the furninshings of a real home, along with its own grounds and garden, and a family dog as well.

Our Trans House is located on property owned by the hospital, and is several miles away from anything or anyone connected with the mainstream population. All the household chores are kept up, and the kitchen is well stocked, by the hospital staff. But the hospital staff must work swiftly and secretly in the night, and they are required to be essentially invisible to the patients who are "living" in the house. One patient at a time "lives" in the house, accompanied only by family members who are willing to live with the patient during this transition time (usually between 2 - 3 weeks).

The following is a brief snippet of conversation (recorded for medical and follow-up purposes) between Donna (38), a woman who suffered from full blown unipolar affective psychosis for the past fourteen months, and her husband Robert (41) who works as a civil engineer for the state of Massachusetts. Donna and Robert have been married for seven years. The conversation takes place in the living-room of the Trans House at 12:59pm while the couple relax together on the sofa:

You were going to say something, Donna. I know you were.

Do I have to tell you again? I said it already: will you please just let me think about it for a moment, because I can't think. I simply can't remember.

No, no, no, you don't have to think at all.

But I told you, I'm telling you, I have no idea at all what it was.

No, no, don't think about it at all, just tell me what it was, tell me what the object was, without thinking about it.

But I can't tell you, I simply can't tell you because I haven't yet been able to think of what the object was.

Okay, go ahead and think, think of what the object was that you loved more than anything else in the world before you met me.

Okay, okay, I thought of it. It's weird, but it's an object. The object that I loved more than anything else in the world before I met you was a, a, a telephone. The telephone's receiver really. The telphone receiver that was in my bedroom back at home when I lived with my parents. I always liked talking on the telephone in my bedroom back when I was at home.

I'll tell you what I think. I think that deep down inside, deep down inside your heart of hearts you are a very communicative person. That's it. You have a great ability to comminicate. You're not afraid to communicate. No matter what, and that's what I love about you.

But Robert, sometimes I didn't always answer the telephone. Sometimes I didn't want to pick up the telephone receiver and answer the telephone when it rang.

[END OF TAPE]





...please continue (here in the comments section) writing what you think would be the rest of the conversation.

Clay Is Allegory

.

The lead detective took complete control of the investigation from the onset.

He fell in love with the forensic evidence that she left behind at the scene of the crime and the surrounding area.

He was enamored with her psychological profile and her refusal to admit to anything.

The detective made the proof lead into another direction and hit another person. And so she was officially innocent of any wrongdoing.

Technorati tag: episode 4

Clay Is Allegory

.

She does her everyday life routines, as a regular person on campus.

And then at night, deep in the night, she contemplates her deepest thoughts.

She has a particular heart condition, wherein she is unable to love anyone.

Technorati tag: episode 2

Extra money

1. I was sitting on the long swirl-armed sofa in the living room. And in my hands was an unfolded newspaper advertisement. A large part of what the ad showed was green grass.

2. I already pulled down the shades of the two windows in the living room, so I could view the advertisements without any sunlight obscuring any of the words or pictures. And I relied on the light from the light bulb that was behind the flower-patterned lampshade of the standing lamp standing beside me as I sat on the sofa.

3. I was waiting for my dinner to be ready, and I was interested in the colorful advertisement page that appeared separately in today's Sunday paper. I enjoyed my life as an MFA graduate student at Johns Hopkins, in Maryland. I was 29 years old, and I was living with my wife. She was 26 years old. And we were in love, I thought.

4. In this particular advertisement I was looking at there were three lawnmowers pictured in the upper right-hand half of the page. And there was a patch of colorful flowers pictured in the upper right-hand corner of the green grass that was there. The green grass was too green, though, almost a bright lime green. And the lawnmowers seemed to be cut out and literally pasted onto the green grass.

5. And there were a few supplementary descriptive sentences printed upon each of these lawnmowers and green grass. The prices of each of the lawnmowers hovered above the lawnmowers in very large bold red numbers.

6. Jeez, am I glad we don’t have to worry about mowing the lawn. I would hate to have to buy a lawnmower, I said from sitting on the sofa in the living room, to my wife Lisa who was in the kitchen cooking dinner.

7. Really? Why, are they expensive, she said from the kitchen, while opening the oven door a little bit to take a peek at the onion rings.

8. I’m just glad we don’t have to worry about it. That’s what’s good about these townhouses. I don’t mind paying the extra money for the maintenance. There are so many different lawnmowers, I just wouldn’t want to worry about whether I bought the right one or not. And then if it breaks down! I said.

9. Why, how much are they? Lisa said, and she was now finished looking at the onion rings and closing the oven door.

10. The most expensive one here is $1,299 and 99 cents, I said, still sitting on the sofa in the living room.

11. That is expensive, she said from the kitchen.

12. Lisa was looking at the shiny Formica countertop. She was actually staring at the white gold-sparkled countertop. And she seemed to be particularly focused on a small space on the countertop where there was an unusually high number of gold sparkles clustered together. And while she stared at the cluster of gold sparkles, she imagined for a moment that the cluster was made up of actual gold pieces that could be available to her if she would only reach for it.




TO BE CONTINUED.




Technorati tags: first-person narrative, procrastination, master of fine arts, graduate student, paranoia, novel writing

Close the window, please

Have you ever had a knife put to your throat? How about a gun to your head? Or have you ever had your head put into a head-lock and twisted? These are all very scary situations. I experienced only one such over-the-top situation (while conducting a personality-assessment blurb session in my "Open up the window" post).

Sometimes between the doctor and client there are wires that are crossed. And I don't necessarily mean trip-wires. There are occasionally wires of communication that get crossed. And even so, all of these wires inevitably lead to some kind of truth.

In the following I have changed only the name of the commentor, so as to preserve his anonyminity. (And this person, his dialogue and his actions, are in no way connected to anyone who is currently in the comments section of the "Open up the window" post). It went down like this:

1. K-Czar said...

"By the way interesting insights. I tend to take people at face value, but maybe with the a posteriori advantage of hindsight after reading your post, I would have to agree 'almost' verbatim. And I only use almost because even Einstein I can only 'almost' quote verbatim. Interesting post. Love it! So flic, what would this statement tell you:I parred the 18th hole in golf today, to win the game."

flic said...

"K-
You are a man who likes to pass the buck when you feel the need to do so. Yet you enjoy comradery with your fellow man. You are usure of yourself sometimes, but you do always come around to giving credit where credit is due. In addition, you are reluctant to believe what you believe, and so you tend to rely on established knowledge for support."

2. K-Czar said...

"Perhaps that is a more accurate description of myself than I care to admit:

(1)Can I move mountains? evidently I believe I can, I just don't have enough faith(?) to make it so?
(2)Do I know I have a secret swiss bank account, with more funds than I could possibly use? evidently I believe I do, I just don't have enough faith(?) to find the number?

If you mean physics or practical knowledge - I need to rely on established reports to either agree or disagree with them. As Plato would say the knowledge is there we just need to discern the 'wheat' from the 'chaff' - and one needs to refer to recognised authority and wisdom, in whichever field to be relevant in that field.

I have to pass the buck on when I need to (to those wiser and/or more knowledgeable), and I like to pass the buck on to budding young bucks or stags, to build them up (this is a metaphor and it is not sexist) my wealth power and knowledge would be as unlimited as that of the combined resources of 12 or 12x12 or 12x12x12 people regardless of their sex. Ask Bill Gates, Richard Branson, or any other corporate head.

I have no problem believing what I believe. How to apply that belief is another story. Perhaps better said how to 'harness' and 'apply' that belief would be a better definition of your word reluctance.Thanks! anyway - you made me feel on top of the world. If that is not high enough, that is my shortfall Lol!"

flic said...

"K-
You are a person who must explain all the details so as not to be misunderstood. You like order. And you are always willing to find out more about yourself. Furthermore, you think there is always a way, yet you cannot always find that way. Finally, you like to be complimented, but on the other hand you recongnize that you have a weakness for flattery."

3. K-Czar said...

"Touche

who doesn't like compliments and flattery - I wouldn't have said I had a weakness for flattery, but maybe bot knowing I had said weakness is the weakness

No, on reflection I prefer not to be flattered. Compliments should be more frequent, they are edifying. Anyone complimented always tries better or harder at whatever one (in this case you) is trying to get them to do.With words it is almost impossible not to be misunderstood. They not only have different manings or uses, they can mean one thing to the speaker/writer and a wholly other to the listener reader/observer."

flic said...

"K-
You are a person who doesn't like to be proved wrong. And sometimes you tend to focus on what you want to focus on, at the exclusion of what might be more pertinent to a given situation. In addition, you are a person who will not admit to a particular thing if others in society look down upon that thing. And you frequently do certain things over and over again, no matter what the results may be."

4. K-Czar said...

"Tell me flic, which animal or sentient being is not focussed on what they want to focus on, at least part of the day. Even slaves and miners used to get time to themselves.You mean frequently as in playing golf (or 18 holes), as in eating 3 times a day, as in putting one foot before the other to walk?

And unless we are being totally humourous, you are totally out of synch on the not admitting to things. Did I not admit to being a believer in the days of Nero and Rome burning -and flic, Rome is still here, and so am I

So what do you have to say about what is kicking off in Gaza and Lebanon - Israel getting impatient for those 'territiries' they've been trying to conquer for millennia. Now there you really have a bunch of people who do the same thing over and over again no matter what the result"

flic said...

"K-
You are a person who is easily angered, although you don't usually like to admit this. Also, you are sometimes quick to proceed and thus ignore data that you've overlooked. And you are a person who usually denies their own mistakes by referring to something in the past. In addition, you're a person who often likes to forget the practicalities of life by incorporating yourself into the larger issues of the day."

5. K-Czar said...

"flic - what is anger?
which data have I ignored?
Which mistake(s) have I denied?
Which practicalities of life?
And you didn't answer the question on the 'big' picture So you seem to be giving a rather accurate account of yourself and presuming (transpossing) it onto me"

flic said...

"K-
You are a person who doesn't know when to quit. Also, you are unable or unwilling to find out answers for yourself. Rather, you are a person who needs to be told what the answers are. In addition, you tend to imitate others when you find yourself at a loss for words. And you are a person who likes to be at the center of attention."

*****

And what do you think happened next?

[You MUST read the "Open up the window" post before making a comment here in the comments section.]

I need your help

I'm trying to have lucid or vivid dreams on a regular basis.

Do you have any true-blue techniques, mind-sets, rituals, or concoctions of ingredients, that have worked for you?

I'd much rather hear about your own personal know-how and experience (but pertinent links are of course welcome).

I'd like to find out some ways that have worked for others, and try them out.

I would love to be able to dream on cue. I think I'm like most people, I just happen to dream some nights and happen to not dream on other nights.

For me sleeping is much more exciting if I wake up remembering or at least half-remembering a dream that I've had.